seeing as it is NYE, I’ve been thinking quite a bit today:
With every major holiday or event I always find myself feeling conflicted with my two “personalities”…or maybe Freud would say its just my Id and Superego? who knows.
Anyways, I’m always feeling torn between wanting to go out, party, celebrate, and just have a great time like most of my friends and other people my age are doing, or staying home, curled up with my boyfriend being all “homey”, watching the ball drop on tv like we did when I was a kid.
Every time I hear of soldiers in Afghanistan being killed I have to check the names and details to make sure it wasn’t you.
there are 3 distinct people who “pull my heart” in a separate direction pretty equally for different reasons.
but i know that if i really loved any one of them that then there would never be any doubt or anyone else who could make me second guess myself.
i just cant think of any other way to rationalize the way i feel. and i seem to always have this problem, being torn between 2 (or more) people.
does it mean anything that i felt the same way several years ago with one of the current 3 people?? UGH.
seriously, wtf is wrong with me?
and i dont mean like “yeahh, im a bad bitch” or “dont fuck with me, im a straight up bitch”. but just a plain, awful bitch.
at least sometimes.
i do some of the most fucked up shit to the people that love me, i can’t even think about the shit i do or almost do because im just so disgusted with myself.
i’m not even sure what to do or say at this point. things may be “better” now, but i still don’t feel better…
I’ve never really been the type to get super loud, but when someone says you HAVE to be quiet, its really fucking hard.